if i can run in heels then i can drive
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
