Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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