When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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