when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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