just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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