how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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