woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
