doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
