She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
