I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it glows. i had to have it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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