I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
