We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
