Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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