playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
