Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
