12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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