I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
