My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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