i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
