Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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