hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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