Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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