There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
