I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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