Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
