How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
