Porn is love you can see.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
