Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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