So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
