I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
