Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
