I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My life is pants optional.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
