i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
