so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
