Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Success! We fucked roommates!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
