kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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