On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
