Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
