My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
