I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
