Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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