My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
