I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
