The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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