The maid of honor just puked.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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