if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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