Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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