My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
