I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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