i barfeds in our rink
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
