i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
