I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
