He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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