My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
