Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize