So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
