i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
