Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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