dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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