i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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