just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
