New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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