I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
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I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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